I am doing ok. I have only cried twice today…so far. Once was this morning when senior leaders presented me with a bracelet that had Jack’s signature engraved on it. It’s beautiful, but I want to be holding the hand that wrote it. We used to call him “puppy paws” because he had these big beautiful hands as a child. In time, the bracelet will become very special to me, but right now, I don’t want it because it means that I won’t see his signature on a script pad (it’s definitely a signature worthy of being a doctor’s) or on a marriage license. That’s how this denial thing works. My head knows, but my heart doesn’t want to accept that he is gone. I stuffed it in my coat pocket as fast as I could.
Shelly told me she was listening to his music yesterday while cleaning the house. Her relationship with Jack was special. They had fun together and she loved spending time with him. I loved hearing her talk about her experiences and memories of Jack, maybe a ray of acceptance breaking through? I don’t like to think of any of my memories yet. I don’t want JUST DAMN MEMORIES! (more denial). I know that death is a part of life. We will all go on, and we will all be happy again. It’s important for the other kids to know that. We even have happy moments now.
The second time I cried today was when I visited Dr. Whitters in his office. Another spontaneous “labor pain”. His daughters have shared stories with me about the kind of heart he has (he has no idea). When I saw him I saw love and compassion and I was overwhelmed! We are surrounded by unbelievable people here!
Steve has often wondered, “Is our culture here at Iowa Specialty Hospital hard wired?” Well, judging by the cards and flowers our family has received I’d say yes. If we have 550 employees, we must have been initially contacted one way or another by 549 (Palit doesn’t have a computer so he actually hugged me when I saw him! That makes 550!) No one forced anyone to do that.
I am a grieving father, and I guess I’m bringing you along for a little of the ride. I don’t know how long it will last, but it seems somewhat therapeutic as I type. Thanks for helping me out.
“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, “Blessed are they that mourn”, and I accept that. I’ve got nothing that I hadn’t bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.” – CS LEWIS
-Dr. Michael Hurt, CMO